you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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