Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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