Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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