Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
is wine microwaveable?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
