My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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