I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I smell stomach acid.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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