He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
