i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
