Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
