Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you had me at cake vodka
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
