Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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