I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
