Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
