and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
