Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
