im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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