3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
