tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
