Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
