onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
