Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
