i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
