The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
