two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
