I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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