Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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