dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
