My girlfriend figured out who you are.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
