im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
