There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
