Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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