i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
