I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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