I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
