Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
