So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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