What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
