Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My cat gives me a boner
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
