I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
