I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
