remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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