My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Randomize
