He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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