He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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