Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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