My liver just broke up with me...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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