I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
