Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
