I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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