I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
